Funny Jokes & Funny Quotes

Marriage Quotes
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield

When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there's a reason.
Molly McGee

Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day.
Mickey Rooney

In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice that still continues.
Helen Rowland

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
Unknown

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
Rita Rudner

Funny Jokes
Women Quotes Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.
Charlotte Whitton

Guys are like dogs. They keep coming back. Ladies are like cats. Yell at a cat one time...they're gone.
Lenny Bruce

I love women. They're the best thing ever created. If they want to be like men and come down to our level, that's fine.
Mel Gibson

I wonder why it is, that young men are always cautioned against bad girls. Anyone can handle a bad girl. It's the good girls men should be warned against.
David Niven

One of the most difficult things in the world is to convince a woman that even a bargain costs money.
Edgar Watson Howe

Brigands demand your money or your life; women require both.
Samuel Butler
Funny Jokes
Men Quotes Why did God create men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn.
Madonna

All men are not homeless, but some men are home less than others.
Henry Youngman

To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior'.
Rita Rudner

This guy says, 'I'm perfect for you, because I'm a cross between a macho and a sensitive man.'
I said, 'Oh, a gay trucker?'
Judy Tenuta

Women speak because they wish to speak, whereas a man speaks only when driven to speech by something outside himself -- like, for instance, he can't find any clean socks.
Jean Kerr

Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work or prison.
Tim Allen

I love men, even though they're lying, cheating scumbags.
Gwyneth Paltrow
Funny Jokes
Wisdom Quotes Whenever I'm caught between two evils, I take the one I've never tried.
Mae West

Knowledge speaks, but wisdom listens.
Jimi Hendrix

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.
Marty Feldman

How to make a million dollars: First, get a million dollars.
Steve Martin

If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. There's no use being a damn fool about it.
W.C. Fields

Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.
Samuel Palmer

Funny Jokes
Politics Quotes A good politician is quite as unthinkable as an honest burglar.
H. L. Mencken

Run for office? No. I've slept with too many women, I've done too many drugs, and I've been to too many parties.
George Clooney

Today, the L.A. Times accused Arnold Schwarzenegger of groping six women. I'm telling you, this guy is presidential material.
Dave Letterman

Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don't understand, such as working for a living.
P. J. ORourke

Politics is perhaps the only profession for which no preparation is thought necessary.
Robert Louis Stevenson

Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book.
Ronald Reagan
Funny Jokes
Money Quotes Money isn't everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children.
J. Paul Getty

A man explained inflation to his wife thus:
'When we married, you measured 36-24-36. Now you're 42-42-42. There's more of you, but you are not worth as much.'
Lord Barnett

Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.
Rita Rudner

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
Dorothy Parker

My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income.
Errol Flynn